Tuesday, July 3, 2018

just a few old jokes

Two drunk winos are driving a car:
-I think we are driving on the sidewalk, all the windows got covered with blood so quickly!

-My memory is very bad - I can not remember what happened two minutes ago!
-Good - can you lend me ten grand?

Sunday school teacher:
-What did Satan Lucifer do in The Garden Of Eden?
-He invented the Apple Phone and gave it to Adam and Eve!

Police officer:
-Why do you drive 275 mph when it's only allowed to drive 55?
-We are five dudes in the car, we drive 55 mph each!

Sunday school teacher to pupil:
-Who is Jesus?
-Jesus Fernandes is a spanish football player in Real Madrid!

Sunday school teacher:
-What did Jesus do on Ascension Day?
-He went to the moon and turned Neil Armstrong's water to wine!

Sunday school teacher to pupil:
-Who is the father of Jesus?
-Not me, it must be somebody else - I always use a condom!

-What did Bill Gates wife say to Bill at the wedding night?
-Aha, now I understand why you call your company Microsoft!

-Why is an Apple car so dangerous?
-Because it does not have windows, of course!

-If you do not give up smoking you go to hell when you die!
- I will never die, I will never live long enough to get old and die!

Sunday school teacher:
-Why do we celebrate easter?
-To celebrate that the GPS in Jesus car finally found the crossing!

-What did the voice in the burning bush say to Moses?
-It asked him to take his smartphone and phone the fire brigade!

Sunday school teacher to pupil:
-Who cruzified Jesus?
-I promise - it was not me, I am innocent - it must have been somebody else!

Headmaster to the class:
-Your teacher was killed by a grizzly bear this morning.
-How did the bear know that he was a teacher?

Drunk driver to policeman:
-I have no choice - I am so drunk that I can not stand on my legs or walk, so I have to drive my car!

Employee to his boss:
-Sorry for not sending that e-mail, but my cat has eaten my mouse!

Border police to the priest:
-Is God with you?
-OK - then you are under arrest for trying to smuggle an unlicenced immigrant

-I was here yesterday, and you gave me the wrong change!
-It's too late to complain!
-Good - then I will keep the 500 dollars!

-Mummy, what is sex?
-Well, you se .... (long, long explanation) ...
-I don't believe you! Our geography teacher said that SEX is an abbreviation for South Eastern Extremadura - a small county in Gondwana municipality in Argentina!

-Mummy, where do I come from?
-Well, you see - you come from my womb.
-I don't believe you - dad told me that we came from Texas!

Statistics shows that it is very healthy to die - people that have died at least once never use to get sick again.

To eat earthworms is very healthy - statistics shows that eartworm eater can fly already when they are a few months old!

It was very dangerous to live in stone age - statistics shows that all people that lived in stone age are dead already!

To go by ambulance is very dangerous - statistics shows that people are always sick or wounded when the ambulance arrives!

To eat a kilogramme of plutonium every day is very healthy - statistics shows that people who die have never eaten a kg plutonium.

To drink water is very dangerous - statistics shows that everyone that dies have been drinking water at least once!

-Why do the flatearthers never get a brain surgery?
-Because the vet does not have a microscope large enough to find their brains!

Sunday school teacher: -Where is God?
-Right now he is at the post office in Boston!
-If he is everywhere he is also there!

-Mummy, is God everywhere?
-Is he also in the potatoes?
-Don't worry, he use to be killed when I boil them!

If God is everywhere he will also be in the butter, if there is no footprints in the butter you have already happened to eat him!

-Why can a priest never ride a bicycle?
-Because God is always with him, and more than one person on the same bicycle is illegal.

-Why does a priest always have to buy two bus tickets?
-Because God is always with him, and he can not go without a ticket either!

Do people in Australia walk around with their feet up and their heads down, or is it us here in Europe that walk around like that?

A man phones the tax office:
-Can I get punished for something I have not done?
-No, of course not!
-Good! I have not paid taxes!

-Why can people in Washington never go to Baltimore?
-The distance to Baltimore is 56 miles, and they are only allowed to drive 55

-What came first, the egg or the hen?
-What came first, the pancake or the flatearthers?

One pig to another:
-Are you religious?
-No, absolutely not - I do not believe in a life after christmas!

One angel to another:
-Are you religious?
-No, absolutely not - I do not believe in a life before death!

-Why is it so dangerous to get married?
-If you want to get married in a church you have to wear a smoking, and smoking kills!

-Why do subway drivers always get a lot of children?
-Because they always do the shuttle service in the tunnel!

-Why do basket ball player never get any children?
-Because they always jump up when they try to hit the hole!

-Why does Father Chrismas not have any children?
-Because he always comes in the chimney!

It is very dangerous to give up smoking - all dead people at the cemetery have given up smoking, and none of them have survived!

New conspiration theory: Donald Trump does not exist, Donald Duck is the real president of The United States of America.

Earth is flat, pigs can fly and Mexico will pay fot the wall.

Only danish flat earthers are right - Denmark is flat, but the rest of the world is a football.

What if Planet Earth does not exist, and Earth, we and everything we know is just a computer game in a martian laptop?


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